Beg Your Parton, But Where Is This Evening's Entertainment?

After seeing “Distracted” on Saturday nigh, my father asked me what I thought might happen if he had killed himself during the second act. And my reply was that it would be silly to waste a suicide on a play by Lisa Loomer. Might as well save it for Beckett, Pinter or Stoppard. Little did I know that I would have to console myself with that same sage advice during the second act of “9 to 5: The Musical,” just two nights later, as I strongly considered heading over the railing of the mezzanine to save myself from having to hear another one of Dolly Parton's hideous, excruciatingly bland, absolutely ghastly country songs. The thought first occurred to me during a particularly hideous duet between Andy Karl and Allison Janney. Not only was the song abysmal, Janney isn't exactly a singer, and she has absolutely no chemistry with Karl. It was at this point I wished I had had the forethought to grab some erasers from the supply closet at work, so I could stuff them in my ears. But who thought the show would be so bad? I figured it would just be some harmless fun, something mindlessly entertaining like “Hairspray” or “Mamma Mia.” Admittedly, having tried to watch the movie the musical is based on twice, and unable to stand more than twenty or thirty minutes either time, I am perhaps not the ideal audience for this show. But frankly, around the time of that duet in the second act, I actually didn't hate the story, and just kind of wished the singing would stop so there was some chance to restore function to my brain. The song that followed the hideous duet I believe was called “Get Out and Stay Out.” I'm guessing that was what it was called, since the song pretty much consisted of the lovely Stephanie J. Block belting out that line over and over again, to the melody of something that vaguely sounded like a reject from “Wicked.” I suppose it may turn into a convenient anthem for people who have suffered through the musical, since that was one of the less nasty things I wanted to shout while watching it. I was also tempted, after Allison Janney said something to the effect of “I can't take it anymore” during the final confrontation scene, to yell out “I can't either!” That, and also “Boo” a few times. But like a good little theatergoer, I kept my mouth shut, and expressed my dislike of the show with my lack of applause. It's really to bad people only find it acceptable to boo nowadays when at the opera. Broadway audiences really need to bring back the “boo.”
Of course just when to boo may me a touchy issue, because really the cast, and especially the three leading ladies are excellent. No, Allison Janney can't sing. But she is a fabulous actress. And Parton had enough good sense not to give her any songs with big notes (except for her dream sequence, but she's able to almost turn her lack of singing talent there to her comic advantage). All of the big belting is saved for Stephanie J. Block or Megan Hilty, both alumni of “Wicked,” and well versed in the “American Idol” style of singing that Broadway audiences apparently love nowadays. Poor Block just can't catch a break with her new musicals. First “The Boy From Oz,” then “The Pirate Queen,” and now this. Won't some talented composer please write a role for her that doesn't make audiences want to run from the theatre screaming? That is audiences who aren't teenage girls, who consider screaming a sign of extreme pleasure. For once I was actually kind of grateful any temporary deafness caused by the screaming behind me.
The set seems very technologically heavy, and a bit of a disaster waiting to happen. There's a big light wall at the back of the stage that handles all sort of crazy animation. I'm not a big fan of the computerized set, but this is probably the least offensive example of the form I've seen. There are also lots of trap doors, and a bit of flying, so it should be interesting to see how many problems occur during the run. If my experiences at “Priscilla” in London are any indication (more on that in my trip writeup in maybe a couple of days), things may get interesting.
The choreography reminded me a bit of Rob Ashford's work in “Cry Baby” and “The Wedding Singer.” Except this time it's by Andy Blankenbuehler. It had a bit of a been there, seen that feel.
I think that's enough vitriol spewn at this show for one night. I will say that the audience seemed to love it, though in my little group the opinions was split, with three yays (who found it entertaining) and three nays (who were varying levels of disappointed, with I suppose me being the most extreme). Leaving the theatre tonight, I was trying to decide if this is the worst Broadway musical I've seen this season. It's between this and “A Tale of Two Cities,” and I think I have to give “Two Cities” worst book, “9 to 5” worst score, and I'll have to think about which I overall disliked more. Right now I'm leaning towards “9 to 5.” I'll say this: I used to really like the title song. And now if I ever hear it again, I fear I may break out in a cold sweat.

On the plus side – not that I would wish one show to fail so another could succeed – but the total ineptitude of the “9 to 5” music would seem to be yet another step closer for “Next to Normal” to win Best Score.

Also on a positive note, I've seen two of the “Norman Conquests” so far: “Round and Round the Garden” and “Table Manners,” with the third (“Living Quarters”) hopefully happening on Saturday. I didn't like “Garden” at all when I saw it, finding it neither interesting nor at all funny. Even though the shows are advertised as stand alones, it really felt very unsatisfying. However after seeing “Table,” I not only had a workout laughing myself silly, but I gained a newfound appreciation for all that had bored me in “Garden.” There's a jokey note in the lobby from playwright Alan Ayckbourn that you shouldn't see any of the plays first, or any of them last. Well, I'm not sure about the second part of that, but I think there may be some truth to the first. Nonetheless, since I do think “Table Manners,” is the funnier of the two I've seen, I'd say if you're going to pick one to whet your appetite, that one gets my vote. We'll see how I feel after “Living Together” on Saturday. I do think seeing all three is most certainly a worthwhile experience, assuming one has the time and money, natch.